the red, white and blue...and gray

Tonight I spent the evening with my Mother at her assisted living facility. I had planned to come home early from work, take a little nap, mow my back lawn (which now looks like a cow pasture without any bovine inhabitants), relax and watch a movie. However, my Mom called me this morning and wanted me to come to her facility's 4th of July celebration from 6-9. I really didn't want to spend my evening doing that, but I knew how much it meant to her to have me there. If you can remember how cool it was to have your Mom or Dad pick you up from school first when you were a little kid (not when you were a teen-ager hoping your parent or parents would be sucked into the black vortex rather than be seen by your friends), then you will be able to relate to how special an aging parent feels when much of what they had in life has slipped away. Family members die. Spouses die. Friends die. They can't live at home anymore. Having some normalcy and someone with whom they can celebrate holidays, birthdays, and other important events keeps them feeling "right" with the world. Aging is a lonely process. It's a process of abandonment--the body abandons its youth, flexibility, health, energy and the mind also takes a leave of absence without permission. And having a daughter or son or grandchild present at a facility activity where families are invited is an ego booster to someone who is looking over the edge of life into eternity--for many, a frightening perspective--and who doesn't want to have to make excuses for why no one came, "My children are busy with their own lives," or "My daughter couldn't come tonight because she was tired or had another obligation". Parents like to feel that they are important in their children's lives and they like to show them off and show others that their children love them enough to spend time with them. It is like having a parent pick you up first from school (my Mom loves me more than yours because she got here first).

It isn't exhilirating "fun" to eat non-descript food, listen to some mediocre entertainment, watch fireworks purchased from the local Boy Scout stand, and spend three hours in the company of the blue-haired crowd, but that's not the point of an evening like tonight. Tonight is all about paying back what was given to you. Tonight is about making someone feel important and loved. Tonight is about gathering a few more memories before the time for doing so is spent. And so I put aside what I thought tonight was for and spent time with my Mother and she felt loved and happy that I did. Sometimes it isn't how we feel that is most important. It is how others feel in whose company we find ourselves. There will be time enough for me to do what I want, but tonight was not that time. From my perspective, it is self-delusional to think that I can only be happy or feel satisfied if I meet all my needs, or what I perceive as my needs. Happiness is often found in the least expected places...and I found it tonight at The Coutyard, at a fireworks display and BBQ sitting next to my Mother.