If I were in the Olympics...

there would have to be some new categories. I don't run, jump, catapult myself through the air on a skimpy stick, do anything on the rings, pommel, parallel bars, or vault (unless it's in a bank and I'm accessing my safe deposit box). If I'm riding a bike, it has to be stationary with training wheels, and, although I swim, I'd have to practice in my apartment complex pool which means that I would dive in, take one stroke and be at the other end. I guess I could really get my turns down, but I'd get dizzy pretty quickly, turning, turning, turning. Then I'd be disoriented and would stagger out of the pool, so, unless the Olympic Committee has added "walking like a person under the influence" as a new event, I'd be out of luck.

All of that aside, here are the categories that I think should be added--1) walking upright for 100 yards in a snazzy outfit, 2) remembering to bring reading glasses to a social event so you don't have to share one pair with 39 other people (question--why do people, who obviously need reading glasses, always fail to bring them when going out? Not bringing them so you can read menus, timetables, schedules, greeting cards--if you're at a birthday or anniversary party--etc. doesn't change the fact that you're "older" and need them. Not bringing them proves that you are in denial, can't see, and/or that your memory, along with your eyesight, is shot). 3) speed denture installation--this needs no explanation. Let the best gummy applicator win!, 4) best use of a cane or walker routine set to music--this wouldn't be as pretty as the routines with the ribbons twirling, but it would certainly be more entertaining, 5) putting on a spandex gymnastics leotard or full-body swimsuit while remaining standing--this would be a timed event and might take a day or two, 6) dinosaur dressage (proving the point to our children that we indeed lived in the days when dinosaurs walked the earth), 7) shuffleboard (and if you have to ask what this is, you won't qualify for the event), 8) speed bingo with small "tokens" and cards that have tiny print (those who have excelled at the number 2 event noted above will have an advantage here), 9) lacing up and tying your sneakers while bending over, and finally, 10) equestrian endurance rides (this can only be done if the host nation has a Wal-Mart nearby and the entrant has a roll of quarters).

Let the games begin!