And for this trees are dying?

I subscribe to a daily paper here in Louisville, KY, "The Courier-Journal". Most days the paper is no "biggie", but on Sunday, the paper takes on a different persona and could be legally labeled a lethal weapon. It weighs "pounds" and, if hurled through the air by anyone other than a 98-pound weakling, can knock an adult off his or her feet onto his or her kiester!

I usually wait to read the Sunday paper until I return from church, because, if I try to read it beforehand, I either have to get up at 4AM, so I can read and get ready for church, or, if I get up at my regular 7AM time, I'll miss church completely. And, I am not going to hedge my bet on the eternities by reading the newspaper instead of being at church.

This past Sunday, I picked up the paper to move it to my dining room table so I could eat lunch and read at my leisure. I believe I am now in the market for a truss for the hernia I developed picking up said paper. It isn't that there's more newsy stuff occurring on a Saturday and so the paper has to expand three-fold in order to accommodate all the (borrowing from the egotistical adage of the "NY Times") "news that's fit to print". No, it's a result of all the "flyers" and "booklets" that are wrapped up like a gigantic, pulpy "fish" in the real newspaper part. Looking at all the ads--which I find disconcerting (who has so much discretionary income that they need to be offered so many opportunities to spend their money?), it would appear that the world no longer works, at least here in Kentuckiana, but spends all its time and money at sales and discount retailers. Obviously, here in horse country, people don't shop until they drop. They just shop and never drop.

All these ads and all this paper devoted to "shopping" got me thinking about the unnecessary killing of trees to support this weekly advertising blitz. Perhaps, we readers should rebundle our Sunday paper, send it to the Pentagon and they can use it to bomb our enemies. Drop a load of these puppies on a targeted bad guy area and we'll destroy people instantly (or at least knock them silly or unconscious). There won't be any toxic issues (just some landfill ones), no spreading of after effects, no destruction of personal property (unless you consider someone's head personal property), and no massive weapons industrial complex needed. So what's not to like. And, once the "bomb" hits its target, people who are left standing can read the newspaper ads and they will become stunned, numbed, and neutralized. There will be no more shouts of "Kill the enemy!" "Death to the American Imperialists!" These will be replaced by "Let's head to Wallie's Wonder World of Discount Everything or Jimmie's Used Car and Recycled Tennis Rackets!"

I think maybe I'll run for president of these United States and this will be the foundation piece of my platform. I'll be recycling, finding a safer means of "negotiating" with the enemy, and helping out with the landfill situation here at home by filling some other country's land. They say that the pen is mightier than the sword. Let's put that to good use. My motto will be "All the news that's fit to bomb!" Pretty catchy don't you think? I believe my approach to the highest office in the land (not the fill kind) rates right up there with the two major party candidates. Don't stop the presses! Forget the Democrats or Republicans or Libertarians or the Green Party, vote for me as a write-in candidate. The economy will probably get worse under my administration, as will our international standing, our environment, our educational stystem, etc., but we won't have to wonder what to do with all those dusty old stacks of newspapers.... Now isn't that a load off your mind? And I approved of this message.