Returning the corner

I purchased a watermelon (interior unseen) the other night and I looked forward to juicy, red watermelon for a summer treat. I planned to cut it up the next day and put it in the refrigerator to make it nice and cold for eating. I had a plan. I had a watermelon. I had a knife. I had a cutting board. So, there I was implements and food item in place. I cut the bottom end off to give the melon a flat surface to "stand" on--a culinary trick I learned from a bona fide chef, who graduated from the Cordon Bleu in Paris, while I was serving as the main cook at a girls' camp several years ago. Monsier Chef Bleu was the chef at the "resort" where camp was held. He taught my staff and I to cut both ends off, then the rind, then cut the "meat" in half, quarters, slices and cubes. It is a fast, effective and efficient way to cut up a watermelon.

Back to my current melon story--I made the second cut and noticed that the meat of the melon was not exactly red. It also wasn't exactly pink. It was, however, an orange yellow color and there didn't seem to be much juice in it. I thought I had purchased, by mistake, a yellow watermelon, normally a food I couldn't afford. I continued to do my Cordon Bleu cutting and saw that the inside cuts on the melon yielded yellow, orange and light pink innards. I cut a small piece, tasted it and realized that I had purchased the Roswell, NM watermelon. It was a mutant, an alien and definitely not a watermelon meant for eating, unless your name is Wilbur and you like leftovers served in a trough or the mud. Since I paid $3.49 for the melon, I decided I would return it for a refund.

How does a person return a melon that has been cut up? In a plastic container with evidence of the outside skin included so the Customer Service person will believe you when you say it's a watermelon. Today was "Return A Watermelon" day and I drove it back to Wal-Mart. There is not only a greeter at the entrance to Wal-Mart, but a person who puts pink stickers on returns. I had the watermelon slices in my container and, when asked by the Return Policeperson if I had something to return, I responded, "Yes. I have a watermelon." Well, I got a look. He asked me how I could return something that I had mutilated. (My knives may not be Ginsu, but I had definitely not mutilated my melon.) He wished me good luck (that didn't sound promising), told me he wished he could be at Customer Service when I made my pitch and asked me to let him know what happened. I expected to be handcuffed, put in an orange jumpsuit and made to parade in front of Wal-Mart with a placard declaring that I made an inappropriate return request. Instead, the young lady, who helped me, looked at the melon slices, declared them "Gross" and asked, "What is that?" and handed me $3.49. With a triumphant smile and a swagger, I walked out of the Wal-Mart, past the Return Police, letting him know that I had been successful in obtaining a refund and then I promptly dumped the slices into the garbage container and went home.

I probably will not purchase any more Roswell watermelons, but, if I do, I know I will have another story to tell and at least $3.49 coming my way--about the amount I'll spend on gas to return it....