Never get old, and whatever you do, don't ever die...

Some of you readers (all two of you) might think this is a morbid topic, but, I can assure you that there is humor in the preparation needed prior to dying. First, make sure you have no assets, nothing anyone will want, nothing to leave behind. It makes everything for those left behind so much easier--no probate, no months in court, no lawyer fees, no haggling with siblings or other family members over Grandma's false teeth cup (or her teeth if there are dental issues with any of the not-dearly-departed), or her frumpy bathrobe and fuzzy, well-worn slippers, etc. If you die poor and without any debts, your remaining family and friends can just have a party and enjoy themselves and there won't be any rifts resulting from arguments over who got what and which grandkid was grandma's favorite--truth be known maybe she didn't like any of them but felt obligated to give gifts and act happy in their company.

However, if you have had even a modicum of success in life and have "stuff" and some money in the bank or some other financial institution, then there will be issues. If you don't have a trust, there will be the sound of "cha-ching" as the attorney works on the estate, and your heirs will hear that sound quite often as they spend time in courts trying to figure out whether they should pursue your assets or they should just save a lot of time and money by banging their heads on the nearest concrete block wall. Trying to change titles, make claims as beneficiaries, or anything else required to divvy up stuff becomes a full-time job and it is not for the faint of heart. I know because I have recently been dealing with my mother's newly established trust, in which my sister and I are trustees, hold powers-of-attorney for her financial interests as well as for her health care.

There is a theory that no two things can be in the same place (space), that that is physically impossible, but I dare to differ. Not only can two things (and by things I'm talking about procedures and paperwork) co-exist, they often are startlingly different. Say you need to go to the DMV to change the title of a vehicle from a parent's name (or names), and you carry your power-of-attorney with you so you can conduct "business", you will find that each clerk at the DMV has a different way of dealing with this procedure. And you will always have to "come back" at least twice before you can accomplish your task, and, no matter how hard you try, you will never get the same clerk, who appeared so helpful when you initiated this effort. You can let zillions of other DMV customers go ahead of you in hopes that your clerk will take care of you, but all you'll get is varicose veins while waiting and a grumpy clerk who will deny you access to the number one, helpful clerk. And, when you approach a bank to do anything, you will be likened to one of the poster children for "Most Wanted Fugitive" and will be treated accordingly. Banks will tell you that your power-of-attorney must be reviewed by their legal department before they will even consider accepting it and talking to you about anything more than the weather--this after waiting on the "platform" (what is this--a train station?) to speak to an officer, all of whom seem to go on vacation, eat lunch or take a break at exactly the same time. If the gods smile on you and your power-of-attorney is granted "acceptable" status, you will begin the long and arduous task of dealing with the bank to get all the account titles changed which will require your signing your name until your hand is permanently clumped into writing position. If you are a person who requires use of your writing hand for your livelihood, you will need re-training. And the list of items you need to do and the places you will need to go grows exponentially like a fungus out of control.

And so I return to my initial statement--never get old, and, if you need to die, don't tell anyone, hire a body double who can outlast your progeny or take leave of this earth with only dust bunnies and a toothpick to your name. You won't need them where you're going anyway...