I don't really need glasses...

unless, of course, I want to see things clearly. But then I think about the Impressionists. Everyone loves impressionist paintings. We think they're lovely and ethereal and painterly. So, when I don't wear my glasses, that means I see the world as did Claude Monet, Edgar Degas and company. Everything has a wispy, soft edge to it and colors are just a little subdued. Of course, Monsier Monet was not out driving a car with myopic vision, nor was he trying to recognize people in a crowded room or trying to find an empty seat in the movie theater after the lights go down (it is very embarrassing to sit on some stranger's lap thinking no one was there because your eyes can only see dark globulas which could be anything--an empty seat, for instance). It's not that I'm vain. I like my glasses. I think they're very classy looking, but I can't read with them on--they distort my close-up vision, and I don't need reading glasses yet. I don't like putting my glasses on for the far-away view and taking them off for the close view. They're already a bit loose from years of doing that, so that I have to practically glue the glasses onto my nose to keep them from falling off when I bend over. This is when I wished I had a Roman nose with that convenient little bump up near its bridge--perfect for keeping glasses in place!

I tried contact lenses for a few years, but I have a serious astigmatism (is there such a thing as a funny astigmatism?) and one eyeball is round and one is pretty flat. My left eye has a stronger prescription (and is the flat one), and from time to time, I would inadvertently touch my left eye, the contact would roll up and off my eyeball and I would panic trying to find it. Picture this. It's dark. I'm driving on the freeway at 65 mph, I rub my left eye without thinking about the consequences, my contact comes off, drops to my chest, I wink my left eye closed to avoid the distorted vision I now have with one lens in and one out, and I feel around on my chest for the missing contact. People also driving on the freeway, pass by me--I am at least smart enough to get into the slow lane--and they wonder what kind of pervert I am as I wink at them with my pathetically myopic left eye and grope myself.

So, no, I don't really need glasses unless I want to keep some semblance of dignity in my so-called life and so I can avoid public displays that could lead to the wearing of an orange jumpsuit and my 15 minutes of fame on the 11 o'clock news.