Excuse me, pardon me, oh dear...

I have a case of the hiccoughs (or as the lazy or letter-stingy would say hiccups). I don't have the usual kind of hiccoughs that are dainty and slightly embarrassing. No, I have the kind of hiccoughs that make old people startle and horses whinny and rear up.

People think I'm having a heart attack. At least if I were, I'd have some excuse for making such a racket and scaring dogs, cats, small children and the homely of the brave. When my children were smaller (younger), they thought I was an amusement
--as long as my hiccoughs remained at home or inside the car with the windows rolled up, but my hiccoughs have a life and schedule of their own and they show up at odd and inconvenient times...and sometimes in public. When I was working in an office and answered the phones frequently, I lived in fear of having a case of these heinous hiccoughs. And on a few occasions, they came unbidden and I hiccoughed in some poor, innocent and unprepared individual's ear as I answered the phone. Some individuals found it hilarious and others wondered if they needed to hang up and call the EMT--this was in the days before 911 and cell phones.

My hiccoughs aren't the kind that regular people have--the small, quick chirpy noise from the throat. My hiccough sounds like someone is being tortured--kind of like the little slugs in the movie, "Flushed Away". I emit a high-pitched, very loud, strung out, shrieking sound. It sounds painful...and it is. It hurts, and if I start to laugh (because it does sound pathetically funny), that makes it hurt more, so I try not to laugh. I am usually unsuccessful. Whenever I have a case of the hiccoughs, I always start immediately to try all the "how to cure your hiccoughs" remedies. I hold my breath, but the shriek-cough just bursts through and trying to hold it back is also painful. I try scaring myself (if no one else ugly and weird is handy) by looking in the mirror, but that makes me laugh and then I encounter pain and no hiccough stoppage. I've tried sneaking up on myself, but that never works because my awareness level is above that of a newt, so I always see myself coming. I look at scary pictures, but that starts a whole philosophical thought process going and I then have the hiccoughs and a headache from trying to figure out why people want to look bizarre or do strange things on purpose. I've tried breathing into a paper bag, but, after having a case of the hiccoughs post-pizza, I've never repeated this remedy. I now know that you can't stop the hiccoughs by inhaling your own bad breath, but you can feel grossed out... I finally try my best remedy--drinking water from the opposite rim of a glass. The concentration level is intense and what follows the first attempt is a mild bath of water spilling onto my neck and chest which diverts my attention, causes me to sputter with what little water actually went into my mouth and to chide myself for the big mess I've just made. Voila. My hiccoughs have disappeared. I am grateful. The strangers around me are grateful (including my children who have by this time disowned me) and the dogs and cats can now allow their ears to return to a more natural state instead of sticking up in the air like little, pointy rocket ships!

But these hiccoughs are not only shrieky, they're sneaky. Just when I think it's safe to answer the phone, go out in public, become sociable once again, they return with a vengeance, just like Jack Nicholson in "The Iceman Cometh". Oh, maybe if I watch that movie's scary parts, I'll be permanently cured, or at least I'll pass out from fright and my hiccoughs might pass out too. Meanwhile, I will keep a glass of water or a picture of Gene Simmons without make-up handy so I will be ready to do battle with my slug-imitation hiccoughs whenever they decide to pay me a visit.